Satan Speaks

Satan speaks.

Not only that, he blogs too. And since he is the only one who answered my cry for topics (see comments on previous post), I will entertain this Faithless Reader.

I asked for 1 topic and in typical Singaporean fashion, he gave me 7, and asked me to choose 1. So I thought I will please this Foul Fiend and include ALL the topics in 1 fictitious blog:

1) Write a story beginning with the words, "Never would I imagine that he could say such a preposterous thing."
2) Write a story ending with the words, "The train sped away, taking my heart with it."
3) Write an entry about anything as long as it contains the sentence, "Wah, damm jia lat you know. Confirm."
4) Describe 2 or 3 strange people which you have encountered in your life.
5) If you were given one million dollars, what would you do with it?
6) Imagine that the CEO of Media Corp is your brother-in-law. He has just given you a call the other day to inform you that he is interested in starting a radical newspaper to compete with Streats and Today. He wants to hire you to pioneer this, and would pump in any amount of money you require to get this going. Describe what this paper would be like.
7) Write about the complexity of simplicity. Richard Foster wrote about this before, no kidding. Don't know how he pulled this one off.

Hee hee.How's that sir? Hee :) Mr S Tan

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Never would I imagine that he could say such a preposterous thing.

Ni hao (literally "You're good!").

The Chinese tourist said it with such gusto that I'll make sure he'll burn in hell when he gets there.

How dare you greet me with goodness? I am Satan. Tremble and Fear, from Toa Payoh to Tanah Merah. I am the absence of goodness, the abundance of badness. I am...

Comrade, where is St. Andrew's Cathedral?

Who says God doesn't have a sense of humor?

I regained my composure in time to point this Confused Chinese Communist Psycho (CCCP) to Chijmes instead, charming him with tales of sweet convent girls and religious devotion. Formerly a religious institution, this is the place where people go to get high, get laid and get broke.

My kind of place.

I rarely leave Hell but once in a while, I'll have a break and I'll make it a point to come to this country to visit the Old Man.

Even I need a mentor.

So here I was, at City Hall MRT, waiting for the train. And the train was late.

Now apparently, the MRT has been the fashionable way for many Singaporeans to jump queue (a revered local custom, I was told) to see me. True enough, I overheard a MRT staff mumbling into his walkie, "Confirm train delay is it? Another jumper at Bishan. Confirm dead already is it? Wah, damm jia lat (terrible) you know. Confirm."

I used to celebrate wildly when things like that happen. Now, it takes the special and strange people for me to sit up and notice.

When Billy Ray first came to Hell, he was very upset. He kept saying, "I've been a good man all my life. I went to church every Sunday. I was a perfect gentlemen. I raised my kids well. I took good care of my horses. Why is this happening to me?"

And I kept telling him the same thing.

"You invented line-dancing".

Billy Ray's settled in now and leads the monthly mass dancing, just to take the edge off.

I made sure I was around when Woody Porty first arrived.

"Thanks for creating Teletubbies. I am a big fan."

To this day, she stills mutters "Damm" four times in a row.

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Time flies when you're having fun. Before I knew it, I was at the Old Man's place.

He welcomed me with a cheque for one million dollars.

"Take it. Thanks for helping me with the successful handover."

I told him to take half and dedicate it to Feminist Research. The other half should go to the Republican party.

We talked about old times. He wanted advice from me and that took me by surprise.

Maybe he's getting senile.

He asked:

Imagine that the CEO of Media Corp is your brother-in-law. He has just given you a call the other day to inform you that he is interested in starting a radical newspaper to compete with Streats and Today. He wants to hire you to pioneer this, and would pump in any amount of money you require to get this going. Describe what this paper would be like.

I told him:

"Let's have an award-winning newspaper that should only win the sexy awards like design and graphics. Let's have a newspaper that meddles in the affairs of our neighbors but not meddle in our own affairs. Then, give control of the newspaper over to yes-men and security folks."

Apparently, I was told, such a newspaper already exists.

I told him I would look into it.

"What's the matter? You losing your touch?"

"Just a bit tired. It's not easy running Hell."

"Yes and no. The simple part is the fear. Manage the fear and all will be well. How to get the fear going is the complex part. For me, I have my yes-men, my woody-men, my security folks and my large extended family to thank."

He paused and smiled. I knew what was going on.

He was about to make a deal with the Devil.

"Why don't we switch places, for a while, who knows, it might do you some good?"

Epilogue

From the nether world to the first world. The procedure took less than a minute; a simple spell to switch our hearts.

I did not feel any different. It was almost like my old heart.

The absence of goodness. The abundance of badness. The...

"See you in 2 months."

He wished me luck and bade me goodbye.

I stood at the Platform of Purgatory and waved hesitantly.

The train sped away, taking my heart with it.